Singaporean Dreaming (and complaining as usual)

I just wanted to say a quick thank you to the people who left encouraging comments on the post where I whined about how shitty I felt recently (and feels good to be meowed at, LOL..hasn’t happened for awhile)… didn’t think that anyone read this blog, not that I mind, because blogging has been a habit I’d indulged in for years eversince Cheng introduced me to Diaryland. I know A and CG and maybe some other friends who know of this blog’s existence do read now and then, but to me the readership doesn’t matter because I just like ranting. It gets boring talking to the mirror after awhile because my face makes me laugh.

Anyway, I’m glad A seems to have so many activities this month, with all the sudden ‘activist’ activities and birthdays. I do envy her to be honest. I mean it’s really cool that I’m overseas and I know many people think that it’s wonderful to get the opportunity to be in a different country. However, home to me is where my friends and loved ones are. I’m counting down to the days I can finally go down to ‘Pack and Send’ to get my stuff sea-freighted back to Singapore. I know I’ve said many times that Singapore is a kinda sickening place to live in. I have a massive love-hate relationship with it. Sometimes the country feels too small to contain what I feel (if that makes sense) and sometimes it’s everything I want. But these few years of living in Sydney has shown me that maybe I’m an islander at heart, and I do miss living in a more cosmopolitan and fast-paced city.

I know I’m a very laidback and ‘chill’ sort of person… but this place is too damn chill without friends to hang out with! Last night, my housemate’s friend from Singapore came over. I was squatting in my room as usual, half asleep because of the Choya I was downing like crazy….suddenly I heard this rude but familiar accent, and my heart was beating like crazy. Ahaha..I know, that’s so corny…

People might be wondering, aren’t there other Singaporeans there? Of course there are, but most of them are pretty young (the ones I see in uni).. and I realise that after 3 months or so most of them develop this fake-O accent. Usually it starts with an American accent which then slowly morphs into an Aussie accent. I don’t fault them for having an accent because sometimes when you talk to a local, you unconsciously start to imitate them… I do that, and my tongue gets twisted up. But I feel damn happy when I hear that ugly Singaporean drawl!! With its hodge-podge of different languages and dialects mixed in. It sounds terrible, but it’s like a piece of home. It’s like those horrendously dirty HDB void decks in Singapore back in the mid 80s… but old pictures of them make me feel happy!

I remember last year or the year before, I was out with this Singaporean friend of mine in the city. We were both sort of homesick… suddenly we  started to curse and swear in Hokkien. It’s so childish, but both of us felt better immediately. Haha.

I think life would be easier here with A around. I feel pretty lost without her here. Sydney does not seem as sunny and beautiful when she’s not around. Again, I know this is corny and mushy but it’s true. Sometimes I wish I could create a place that was a mix of Singapore and Australia. I love the wide open areas here, the neverending skies and the gadzillions of stars which can’t be seen back home. And of course the weather! I LOVE THE WEATHER! But the pace of life…wayyyy too slow…..

Ok, I gotta go bathe before I start looking like a bum who lives in her pjs. I will get my ass out of the house today… maybe go to the beach and dog park.

I miss you A and Crappy Girl! oh..and the dog… I miss Cochoo and her sulky face…

Okay, decided to come back and continue this post. It started to rain when I popped out to buy cigarettes, and therefore my plans to go to the beach is foiled. The housemate and his friends were over again…he didn’t ask me to join them… hmm… I thought he would out of politeness since I’ve always asked him out with mine. Doesn’t matter, I don’t really care…

HUGE BOUT OF WHINGING AND COMPLAINING following this.. (don’t bother to read because it’s always about the same shit but I feel better after letting it out). Like seriously… don’t bother.

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Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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Too late.

But one thing I can’t stand is that he doesn’t clean up, and he took forever to fix the toilet (like a week or 2). I was wondering if we were going to be manually flushing the toilet for the rest of my stay. Manually meaning we have to lift the lid of the cistern, put our hands into the icy cold WC water and pull this plastic lever up to flush (the flush broke).

Yesterday, he finally went down to the agency to get people to come back to fix the loo because his friends were coming over?!! WTF. And he left his laundry out in the living room for 3 weeks. I just did a load yesterday and hung it out to dry. Then today because his friends were coming over again he actually kept his laundry and shoved mine to one side? WTF again… and finally bothered to do his dishes…

Dunno la, may seem like I have loads of time on my hands that’s why I’m complaining. But the thing is I don’t usually say anything about the cleanliness to him because I’m just whatever about his lifestyle and habits. However, when he does clean up, he makes a big deal out of it, like waking me up to tell me he cleaned the floor?! WTF….oh and that was about 2 months ago when he claimed to have cleaned the floor. Usually I just get passive agressive about it, like washing up my dishes and leaving his dirty plates to grow mould and rot. I never used to be like that, but recently I’m getting fedup because the water is cold, and my hands are getting severely chapped from constantly doing the dishes. And he doesn’t empty the rubbish bin even though he goes to the garage (where all the dustbins are) every morning. So usually I’m the one doing it. It doesn’t help that when he’s too lazy to even cook noodles, he pops open this Japanese fermented tofu thing and just eats it out of the container. After that, he just leaves the container lying around in the living room for a few days, or just throws it into the dustbin and doesn’t chuck it out in the bins. That tofu thing is shit smelly like what your feet would smell like after wearing 12 hours of wet socks. Our laundry is hung in the house usually since there’s no space, so all our freshly-washed clothes smell like wet feet. I’d rather my clothes smell of stale cigarette smoke la!

The stupidest stupidest thing is, I know he’s going through a lot at the moment, what with having to deal with his retrenchment this coming end of June, having to find a housemate since I’m leaving, finding ways of meeting his car payments… I was really sympathetic about it, however he started to get all depressed. All he could do was complain about those people he submitted CVs to who did not ask him to go in for interviews. And actually, he only submitted like ONE CV. Like ONE company and he had to complain… some people submit like 100 resumes just to get maybe 1 interview. Jeez. That company happened to be an overseas subsidiary of the Sydney HQ, located in Singapore. So after he did not get the interview he complained like hell about how arrogant Singaporean employers are.

I’m not terribly patrotic about my country, but to hear him go on and on about Singaporeans just because that one manager did not want to interview him…sigh…

I started to avoid him like mad, partly because he was getting downright depressing to be around and partly because I am PMSey. I avoided going out for dinner with him, because it meant being stuck in a car alone. He’s so predictable…he would start the car, fiddle around with the manual gear, give a huge sigh, and start saying ” WHY? Why ah…these Singaporean people sooo arrogant…yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah…”

I tried to entertain him at first, then it got annoying. The night we went out for Pancakes on the Rocks was because I was just too hungry for something sweet. I sort of regretted it because I was trying hard not to snap at him. As usual, he moaned and sighed…so I said, why are you so negative la!! (trying to make it sound like I was joking with him)…then he went into this long spiel about arrogant Singaporean employers and how he’s qualified but he doesn’t have certification for the level of work he wanted to do…and kept asking me why Singaporeans are so concerned about that piece of paper..that they are short-sighted and blah blah blah. Yes I know the system has it’s flaws, so instead of complaining about it, just do something instead of flopping into bed at 6pm everyday, sleeping till 10pm, then pulling a long face when you realise I’ve eaten dinner already and you have no one to accompany you.

AIYOH!! Wo De Tien AH! (direct translation: MY SKY!! Meaning: Oh my God!)

I tried to simplify his problems for him, since he was whining about how many problems he had to deal with. I said, most of the problems are caused by the stop of cashflow in June (actually worry what?? he has savings and since he’s an Aus PR, got CENTRELINK WOT! Government give money leh..). So he should just start sending out resumes to employers in Sydney. Since he’d always boasted to me that everyone who’s worked in his company is headhunted by other major companies, and that he would have no shortage of work, then he shouldn’t be all that worried right? On the other hand, he claims that another branch of the company overseas (not Singapore) is willing to hire him and if they offer him a equivalent pay, he would go. However, he does not like that country and has told me countless times how he doesn’t want to go. But now, since he is too lazy to send out a resume… I don’t know, I feel that he just lets other people and circumstances dictate his life.

I also feel sorry for him but sorry because he’s so pathetic. Recently we keep bumping into his ex-uni friends who were in the same class as him 10 years ago (including this Singaporean friend who was here last night). All of them exclaim the same thing when they realise where he’s staying… like hello..u graduate so long already you still living in your student house with the student furniture (that other friends who leave the country pass on to you,,IKEA AS-IS furniture?!) la…alamak..move on with life already la… I would understand if this place was average to above average, but this house is the shits for a 30 plus year old man who earns a decent living. Somemore can wonder why he doesn’t have a girlfriend..somemore want a Singaporean girlfriend…kidding me… I’m not saying that all SG girls are materialistic..but even the least materialistic amongst us would reject living like that.

Okay, I feel better now. These are all the things that are running through my mind for weeks, months…even years… and I’ve never told him. Well except once when I had it with him asking me why girls didn’t want to go out with him, I told him he was too wimpy.

He’s not a bad person despite all my complaints, he’s just very very lam nuah (like super lazy), and complains too much about things he could change, but in reality wouldn’t lift a finger to.

The sun does shine out of my ass

Well, I’m feeling much better today, a good night’s sleep seems to be one of the answers towards the restoration of faith in human beings. Spent most of the day reading this one makeup blog, and strangely enough, this blogger’s random post on Proposition 8 has also helped to bring back some of my faith in humankind. It is nice to know that not all heterosexuals out there want us dead.

It’s also Mother’s Day, so I made a long distance call home. I caught my mom just as she was finishing up lunch with my dad. It’s nice to know that they can get on with life without me. I do feel guilty but there’s nothing much I can do about it. Actually, it would be hypocritical of me to say that I feel guilty, since I’ve never really cared much about giving gifts and remembering birthdays.

What else… hmm…. I went out for dinner with my housemate, the Personal Chef. I was just craving for sweet stuff, and so we headed to Pancakes on the Rocks. I don’t really think the pancakes are that great, but I love the stuff that comes with it, like the fruit, creams, butterscotch, chocolate etc. I ate a ton of food to make up for feeling upset. Seriously, why should I continue feeling upset? Well, I’m not anymore. I’m good, really. I used a great makeup brush, and I finally know how to use it properly, I’m re-reading Catch-22 which I love to death, I’ve finally finished its sequel, Closing Time and  my best friend’s home to accompany A which makes me feel happy… I AM HAPPY!

Oh yes, and for my annual community service… please watch YouTube video… and if you happen to be in that area, do go in something pink! I know A will go in fushia pink. Wish I could be there with her as well.

Oh, and just because I love this song, it makes me happy…and the boys with the popsicles are SO CUTE…

Right, I’m off to do something intellectual right now… like play Indiana Jones (Lego) on Wii.

Oh I forgot to mention, I left my window open last night and it rained in. Today my room was infested by sow bugs. They do make me feel like I’m living in prehistoric times…

What did I ever do to you? (Part 2)

I’ve just realised that the grammar and vocabulary from my previous entry, and probably this entry, is crap. Usually that happens when I’m upset… and I’m not going to apologise for it.

 So I was talking about how I’m saddened and disgusted by a series of homophobic events, and was mentioning the AWARE saga and CSE programme.

The next thing that saddened me would be my classmate that I like. I hate how I have to clarify what I mean about liking her. Can’t I just like a person without any sexual connotations or any other underlying meaning? In my whole team for my final business project, I like her the best because she’s funny, down-to-earth, and since she’s from Malaysia, I feel like she’s someone close to home. I’ve always trusted her because so far she’s done whatever she promised to do for the project, and more. So I don’t feel all that worried that we’re not on track.

However, recently, this very minor incident happened… and I’m ashamed to say that at this day and age, with this much experience and given so many faculties to deal with certain situations, I did not stand up for myself and what I believed in. I felt that I just wanted to maintain peace in the group and finish up the project and get on with my life. I just wanted to balek kampung…

She and another classmate were just chatting in class, talking about her son, their husbands and boyfriends..all that stuff…and I wasn’t really paying attention since I was busy doodling in my notepad. Suddenly I heard them talking about her friend being gay (back home in Malaysia). I sort of looked up, and I could just see the two of them looking ever-so disgusted. Then they started talking about lesbians and having girls who crushed on them in school… and they were talking about how gross lesbians were… I just started to feel gross and rather pukey. For a moment I thought I was going to throw up on their heads. Really upsetting…and how presumptous to assume that everyone around them were straight… and in Sydney of all places!

Talking about girls crushing on each other in school. I really beg to differ on that whole thing about how girls-only schools breed lesbians. Most of my exs came from mixed schools (and probably it was the boys that turned them off males for good..joke joke..)… and back when I was in an all-girl’s school, I’d never crushed on anyone. Funnily enough, the girls who are married and breeding right now were the same ones, when they were 14, standing next to me in the assembly field, talking about how ‘cool’ the senior assigned to lead the Singapore Workout was..and lying in wait for her to pass her notes during recess…and getting upset and teary when they realised that she had other ‘favourites’.

Pathetic..the stories that straight people spin to assure themselves that they are the normal ones.

Anyway, after that day, I did not talk to my classmate about anything else except the project. She was making small talk after class and I remember feeling as if I was going to burst from containing this fireball of anger in me. I told her I had to rush off, and I did, before anything I would regret saying later on came tumbling out of my mouth. I should have said something, but honestly, it’s no longer important to me how these people feel. It’s just so sad how small certain people’s worlds are. They are like the proverbial frog in the well, or the tortoise stuck on the mountain.

Kevin Rudd ending gay civil marriage. Well that sort of speaks for itself doesn’t it? And of course I’m upset… I know I will never have one of those big ass Chinese-Western weddings with like 5 gown changes during one dinner with a 100 table reservation. But it was nice to know that I could have had the option of taking it one step further with my gf and getting involved in her life legally. It would have taken away the hassle of many things like insurance, hospital visitation rights, housing grants and so on. It would have taken away the possibility of me dying old and alone like Vanessa Redgrave in If These Walls Could Talk 2, and getting chased out of a house I could possibly have paid half the mortgage to, by some random next of kin that didn’t give a shit about her when she was alive. Now I am scared enough to trap my gf in the house till she dies. Because if she dies in hospital, the hospital staff won’t let me see her or even tell me she’s dead. Seems like I’m trying to escape from one homophobic country to another increasingly homophobic one. You see? The whole world does hate me and want me dead… I don’t even know where I could go where no one hates me…

Makeup-centered blogs have also upset me… all these stupid girls talk about are their boyfriends and getting married. Where are the hot lesbians who love putting shit all over their face?!! I would so love to meet these other makeup-crazy lesbians, invade one of those makeup forums…just to prove that we aren’t a bunch of wommins (LOL) who don’t groom themselves and wear nothing but flannel…(incidentally flannel seems to be the current fashion trend here? EUWW…talk about BOGAN!)  I even got slightly happy when ONE girl cut her hair, just to show everyone else that short hair can be hot! I mean, these girls… they make chopping off their locks sound like the end of the world. The stupidest comment was: If I cut my hair, I would look like a lesbian.

Ok, I won’t even bother to comment on the stupidity of that statement. They don’t even realise how much younger and fresher they actually look without all that hair covering their features.

 

Lastly, British Next Top Model Cycle 5…specifically episode 3. It upset me to the point that I didn’t bother watching the other episodes despite having absolutely nothing to do on this cold Saturday night. I admit it, I love watching Top Model. I love watching how bitchy and catty girls can be…especially these western girls. I’m not saying that asians are less bitchy or catty, but it seems that culture dictates that we not be as abrasive and confrontational…and some of the things they fight about are really trivial and silly.

Today, BNTM upset me because it was so homophobic… In episode 3, the girls are told to do a photoshoot where they have to pretend to exchange lesbian kisses. Firstly, I don’t see the point in ACTUALLY doing a real kiss…it’s a photograph and they could fake it. Secondly, the kissing thing was pointless since none of the photos shown were of any mouth-to-mouth kissing. It was definitely to get viewer ratings up. Anyway, it was not the fake-O lesbian shoot that upset me, it was the girls’ reactions when they were told they had to do it.

Everyone was getting squeamish and talking about how disgusting it was  and all that…man..it’s just a fucking shoot…most of them have had a woman’s TIT in their mouth for close to a year everyday, several times a day…whatever happened to viewer sensitivity?! And fuck, it’s just a JOB…just do it already…I know this kinda shit would not have gone down well if it was America’s Next Top Model. Even though that show is getting crappier season by season, at least Tyra Banks would have said something about it, seeing how some of the judges are gay. In fact, I remember her talking about it before, about how many of the people the models had to work with in the industry were gay, and that the girls should be more sensitive.

Well in BNTM, Lisa Snowden did not say a single thing…even though one of her judges was obviously gay. I mean, I expected her to at least talk about it quickly during  judging, but no..she was  just yapping about how everyone looked gorgeous… Those girls just ranted on and on about how lesbian it was…and the most insulting thing was when the photographer kept asking the girls to put their hands on each others’ tits and to squeeze…WTF?

NEVER WATCHING BNTM again…even if I love the makeup and hair…

Now you see why I’m sad? It’s been one homophobic event after another since 9 am this morning!

That’s too much for one little lesbian like me to handle. Where’s my BABY WHEN I NEED HER?!

Right..stuck in homophobic Singapore doing work for homophobic people…

I am cancelling my DBS card even if it proves that me and A have an exisiting financial relationship. DBS because it supports homophobic organisations.. and I’m even going to withdraw all my savings and put it with UOB! Also, can’t women be financially independent? Why must I prove that I’m living off her just so that I can apply for an Aus PR?!! I HAVE MY OWN MONEY OKAY!!

Dammit. Goodnight all.

What did I ever do to you? (Part 1)

I’ve been feeling rather sad lately. Sad, but not depressed. I’m still eating, probably more now that winter is here. Seems that my body just craves food whenever it’s cold.
Anyway, so I was saying… sad… all because I’m gay.

It’s crazy really, I’ve never been sad or upset because I’m gay. Well, maybe just a little when I think about my parents’ reactions to me being lesbian. Once in awhile I read about something in the newspapers back home that’s utterly homophobic, and I feel sad. But being really sad and bothered about it, well that’s pretty rare for me.

The day I acknowledged my sexual identity was just like any other day. It was like the day I had my period for the first time. You read those Judy Blume books about how girls having their menstruation for the first time was like such a big deal…when the time came, I just took a look at my panties, said “Oh.”, and then went to look for a pad. And that was that. And that was how it was for me when I realised and accepted that I was gay. What’s the big deal? I still had to wake up the next morning and brush my teeth, go to school, do my homework, and all that crap that I always had to do…like everyone else on the planet.

Maybe recently I’ve just got bombarded by the media about too many things that are related to homophobia, and it’s all sort of come crashing down. It makes me feel like most of the people in this world either want me dead or want me half-dead. I used to love people, because I felt that everyone had something, at least one thing good in them even if they were criminals. But recently, I just feel that I hate people, that straight people especially, disgusted me. I even feel repulsed by my housemate and how he’s forever talking about girls in that kind of way. I mean, I do that sometimes, but coming from a guy’s mouth, it’s just gross. I know, double standards, but while I’m in this mood of disgust and hate, it would really serve him well to not talk to me at all and to keep out of my way.

So what caused me to feel so sad and angry and disgusted recently? I guess it would be these things:

-The AWARE saga
-My classmate that I like (as in she’s the most hardworking and responsible in the group, and therefore I trust and like her)
-Kevin Rudd ends gay civil marriage
-Makeup-centered blogs
-British’s Next Top Model Cycle 5

AWARE saga
I’ve never really been a very political or activistic sort of person. I would say it’s more because I hate confrontation rather than because I’m peace-loving. The only time you would see me being confrontational was if someone insulted my family, my girlfriend or abused animals. So when this whole AWARE saga started, I didn’t really care much about it till A told me she was going for the vote-of-no-confidence meeting. I remember even telling her that if I was in Singapore, I wouldn’t bother to go unless she really wanted me to. I know and understand that the AWARE saga was not about homosexuality, more about a bunch of people from the same religion trying to take over an organisation…to what means, I didn’t really care.

Anyway, because of A’s interest in it, I started to read up online websites and newsites, blogs, forums, twitter, Facebook and what not on the saga. Along the way, the amount of homophobic and anti-gay comments really turned me off. I guess I’ve always been one for flight rather than fight, and reading such horrible stuff really made me want to run up the nearest mountain and stay there forever.

The thought that kept popping into my mind each time I read something negative about being gay was: What did I ever do to these people? The more about read about how they came from the same church and were Christians, the more upset I got about it. I encourage my gf to go to Church, because I believe that everyone needs to have some form of faith to get through life, and I believe that some of the teachings in the Bible do make sense and can be translated into use for everyday life. I’m not a Christian, but I’m never really hesitant about accompanying her to church, and truth be told, I secretly enjoy listening to the stories and whatever it is that the pastor happens to be preaching about that day. I only feel a bit awkward when they have to sing hymns and eat that host thing..sorry the term for it eludes me at the moment. To be honest, if I ever had any thoughts of converting my religion, thanks to this whole stupid AWARE affair, I don’t think it will ever happen, and in fact, I feel that it’s going to take awhile for me to accompany A to church. I just can’t sit in a place of worship that condemns who I am to such a degree, it seems that some of its worshippers have built a religion centered on extinguishing who I am. I often think about how these so called “trying to do their civic duty to the country and save their children from immorality” Christians would feel if they were in my shoes. They think that because I’m gay, I’m a sinner, and therefore probably associate my sin with something that’s from the devil. Well, from where I’m standing, I’m feeling exactly the same thing about them. It’s like I’m living peacefully in a nice little cabin by the lake and these devil-worshippers come riding in with stakes and pitchforks because they think they are doing God’s work. How’d they know that whatever they think is right is not put there in their head by the devil?

LOL. Anyway, I don’t want to go into the whole religion thing. It’s something that’s very vague between me and A, and of course she’s the expert with her religion… I don’t want to talk about her religion while not really knowing much about it. It’s just that people find it easy to condemn others, and that’s only because they are not in the opposite party’s position. The day Josie Lau and gang got booed and shooed off the stage after losing the vote, I was totally elated because finally…finally they get to feel how it is to be hated… for no reason (probably they feel for no reason). They say they are doing good, but how does it feel to be hated for doing something you believe is good or harmless?

The CSE education programme run by AWARE, and being stopped by the government for scrutiny… now this really hurt me a lot. I read forums about how Singaporeans felt about the CSE programme. Many of them were parents. There were comments supporting it, and there were comments against it. Everytime I read comments by parents who said they were against it because CSE was turning their children into lesbians and encouraging anal sex and all that shit…. I was upset. It felt like it was my own parents criticising me. My parents’ face would float into my head and I could just see the looks of disgust on them…

I honestly believe in the CSE programme. If one day, I were to ever decide to have children, I want them to know everything there is to know. I’d rather they know it from my mouth and from school, than find out themselves. I’d even tell them about bestality and necrophilia if I have to. I’d rather they find out from me, than from the internet or some unreliable source. I’ve done my own research in my teens…and all I can say is, thank goodness I’m a very stubborn person and thank goodness I have an old mind in my head at that tender age.

And AWARE is very very right to even include that tiny segment on homosexuality. Back then, if they had the CSE, and just talked about heterosexual people, I would have switched off my attention immediately. I do it all the time anyway, especially when my classmates start talking about their boyfriends and husbands and children. My mind is floating on a big white bed stealing kisses with A and pressing my lips to her eyelids. And if the CSE even mentions safe homosexual sex one day… if they had done it years ago, I would have learnt that putting my mouth to some stranger’s coochie might not be a good idea if I didn’t know their sexual history…. thank goodness I’m as disease-free and clean-looking as virgin snow. *snort*

to be continued

Bitter Rant. Winter blues are here early…

A few things first, I am getting excited about collecting all the makeup in the world again! However, I know that I have to exercise some restraint, so lately I’ve just been surfing the net for deals. By the time I’m done (2 hours each time interspaced with watching CSI), I’m too sick of looking at makeup to want to buy it. I think it’s a good plan.

I’ve also been trying to make myself leave the house. Seriously, I think my neighbours think that this house is uninhabited. All I do is crawl from the bed to the desk or not even leaving the bed (I just prop my lappy on a breakfast tray), with occassional visits to the toilet and kitchen. I live in my pjs. My diet consists of milk and more milk, with oatflake cereal, instant noodles and tons of eggs. By the way, it is not a good idea to eat too many hardboiled eggs in a confined space.

It’s the Easter weekend. I keep wondering where all my friends have gone… almost wishing that the Personal Chef is here so we could plan a roadtrip or something. I AM going out tonight for drinks with a friend.. but not very enthusiastically. Seems like I’ve lost interest in everything. The only thing I’m looking forward to is the Personal Chef coming back with my Wii. A and Crappy Girl have been happily playing The Blob on my Wii and I feel so wistful when I hear their shrieks of laughter over Skype. Sigh…

Once every six months, Uni sends an email warning us of international students being assualted/ robbed etc on and around campus. Every six months I get paranoid about being out late and by myself.

I need more money. Everyone needs more money…

I hate my friends here..or whatever remains of them. I don’t know why? Because they have partners and I envy that? It doesn’t help that they keep shoving it in my face. Oh dear… I’m turning into one of those whiny bitter old women. LOL. Seems like the winter blues are arriving earlier than usual this year.

Ever have one of those friends that you like hanging out with, only if they don’t open their mouths? There’s this person whom I’m slowly dreading having a conversation with. Even when it’s online, and I see her online, I pray that she doesn’t message me. Somehow everything seems to be a competition for her, and she just has to shove it in my face that she has this (and I don’t), she’s doing better, has a bigger item of something etc etc etc. Drives me crazy. Especially when she continuously argues with me over silly minor things (like the weather!), just to prove that she’s right. Such people just make me want to not be polite with them. In fact, I have been very rude and condescending to her, and I know that’s just so uncool. But she just brings out the worst in me. I miss A and Crappy Girl and other friends… I miss matter-of-fact people who don’t think that their position is better than mine, or even if it is, it isn’t a big fucking deal.

It’s not that I’ve been less willing to socialise… when I think about it, it seems that all the nice friends I’d made over the past two years have gone back to their countries or another state. My Monday night after class drinks are cancelled forever because two of my drinking kakis have left for home countries. Another friend went off as well after years of living here. Most people I know live really far away and hence we don’t meet up often.

AIYOH!! Ok, can’t stand myself whinging anymore.

Gonna go grocery shopping… hopefully the supermarket is open on Easter Sunday.

My Mardi Gras

I know, I know, I’m suddenly on a roll with this blogging thing. After weeks (or was it months?) of silence, it’s like the rain decided to come and fall upon these barren plains. I love it when I’m so poetic. Haha.

Anyway, seeing how bad I am at taking pictures (oh I’d rather live in the moment than be at the side taking pictures), I’ve decided to blog about my Mardi Gras experience. I won’t talk much about the parade itself… except I absolutely loved the Dykes on Bikes. HOT! I want to be one of them! On a cute little red Vespa ridden by CG since I know A wouldn’t ride bikes. Actually they would probably laugh me off if I was on a little Vespa. Fine… I’ll go with a big scary Harley then. A dark green one with yellow flames painted on it. I’m so badass.

The parade was also slightly marred by an asshat straight couple that shoved their way to the front of me, when I’d actually let them through out of courtesy thinking that they wanted to play with the volunteers (flinging a huge beach ball around). They refused to return to their original standing area even when they were being told off by other people. ASSES!

A, me and a couple of friends went to the recovery girl parties, and some pre-parade girl parties. It’s kinda like being back in Singapore. The SAME people went to the parties, especially this hot lesbian couple. Well, I’d just presumed they were a couple since they kept snogging each other’s face off at the parties, except the recovery one…where they sort of went in different directions, only to regroup when it was time to go home. One of them was really hot, despite the icky matted plait at the back of her shaved head. She had shaved off the sides, leaving this streak of hair that started from the top of her head to the back which ended in said icky plait. I remember me and A spent a long time oogling at her secretly. Tee-hee! AND SHE WAS TALL and really Amazonian looking with chiseled features… Oooh… I love tall people…

It was fun getting to dance with A again. She hadn’t danced for a long long time because her trick knees had been acting up. I think she sort of ignored the pain and just decided to dance as it was a long time since her last Mardi Gras. Seeing her dance her cheeky bum dance (haha, don’t kill me A) reminded me all over again why I fell in lust (haha) with her. I had not danced for a long time either, and I totally sucked at being in synch with a partner, so when she held me, I was all left feet and embarrassment. Still I enjoyed the feeling of it.

The fun-est part was watching these two little lesbians dancing. I swear they could not have been more than 17. Both of them were in tshirts and jeans, with little girl haircuts, and having loads of laughs and clowning around. They were dancing, but in a jokey sort of way. One of them would grab the other by the arm and pretend to be waltzing… to some house music. LOL. Or one of them would use her head to butt the other’s tummy while dancing…good grief I was trying not to burst out laughing, it was so funny…and kinda sweet because after each clown dance they would kiss or hug each other.

You know what’s so funny about Mardi Gras? I’ve heard and read all these stories of Mardi Gras, where it’s like lesbians gone wild. Stories of drunk girls pulling their tops off and gyrating around half-naked, romping around like nymphs partaking in some bacchanalian wine orgy. I guess I was given the wrong impression.

Well I saw a group topless girls wearing bra tops with pants. They were the same girls with the same bras for three same parties on three different days. I hope they had changed their bras in between. But that’s probably the wildest thing I saw. Oh besides the cute Bears in assless chaps mooning everyone across the street.

The next wildest thing was the police arriving to stop a bunch of buskers from using a public dustbin as a bongo drum. Everyone smoking outside the club was cheering and clapping to the music. The worried Asians (our group..ahaha) started to inch further away when we saw the Men in Blue appear (with one really hot Woman in Blue) to warn the buskers about public disturbance. The crowd booed the police but the noise simmered down when they realised the cops were waiting for the arrival of a paddy wagon.

That sucked.

You know what else I loved about Mardi Gras? You get to see a new influx of faces! The Bank’s Hotel was excellent. There were so many new girls and some of them had faces to die for… I was happy just sitting on the couch nursing my whiskey soda and letting my eyes do the roaming. I only wished my friends back home were with me. It’s more fun clubbing with a group of friends. A was a total angel. I know that her knees must’ve been killing her the whole trip, but she gamely traipsed all over the city with me, standing in the Parade for 5 hours without a word of complaint.

The strangest thing about this Mardi Gras was that I had probably had less than 10 drinks for the whole week. The night at Bank’s Hotel? I had two drinks… and I swear the second drink was not because I wanted to see the cute barmaid behind the counter. *wink*

I know this is a long post, but I wanted to get it all out.

Chinatown during Mardi Gras is such an odd contrast.

After clubbing at a Bitch party the day before the Parade, we wandered from Oxford Street down to George Street near the Chinatown side. Since we were too tired to look for a dimsum place, the next best place that was opened at that hour was Mamak, this Malaysian food restaurant.

I know it’s Mardi Gras. I know it’s supposed to be the one week where you are supposed to be out and proud and all that stuff…but wandering off Oxford Street, the mood of being accepted for who you are just evaporated. A and me automatically stopped holding hands, casting worried looks at our friends, those little kids who were happily skipping in front of us hand-in-hand, oblivious to strange stares by shadowy big people. It’s the same thing here in Randwick. By nightfall we stop pawing each other because there are so many weird characters lingering in the shadows of shopfronts.

We walked into Mamak… the 20 or so patrons eating at the tables stared at our group. I felt like a freak show… I felt rather angry. People were actually stealing glances at our table and making the effort to turn their heads in our direction. I know I shouldn’t have felt angry because a lot of these asian people (majority of the patrons) are simply ignorant or oblivious… I’m sure some of them were not really sure what they were seeing, just curious about these bunch of girls…and some of them had such short hair…

Well, that didn’t totally ruin my night anyway. I honestly should be used to it by now. It’s just that it’s supposed to be that one week out of a year where you can be who you are.

I HATE KATY PERRY!

I HATE KATY PERRY! Disgusting fraud. I hate singers/ actresses who pretend to be gay or bi just for the sake of getting more publicity. I know, music is art and art is supposed to be provocative and controversial… But her song ” I Kissed A Girl”, frankly, it’s just a cheap trick to push it up the charts.

You know what pisses me off even more? Ignorant lesbians who are happily playing it in their cars, dancing to it in the clubs… they have no idea. I wonder if they even know what the lyrics are about beyond the title? I wish Jill Sobule could sue Katy Perry.

When I first heard on the radio about this new song called “I Kissed A Girl”, I was thrilled…Oh they are bringing back that song again after all these years? ( I believe I first heard it when I was 13 or 14 years old) My enthusiasm soon turned to horror as the song that WAS NOT by Jill Sobule started to play on the radio. That song that was not by Jill Sobule started to play everywhere, haunting me and making my ears bleed. Once I had to go to ER to stop my ears haemorraging so that I wouldn’t die from blood loss.

KATY PERRY IS A THIEF THAT COULDN’T COME UP WITH A BETTER SONG TITLE!

I’m just really pissed off right now. I mean that stupid ass song has been playing for months, but it’s the last straw today because for some reason, that fucking song is being blasted from my neighbour’s house. ASSHATS!

I could come up with a better title for Katy Perry’s song:

I Kissed A Girl Because I Was Desperate For Dick Attention

Experimental Game? Lesbians are not there for you vapid straight girls to experiment with! I hope she leaks menstrual blood in the middle of a performance while wearing white pants, and doesn’t know it till the 2 hour show is over. Sometimes I even pray that she goes blind when eyeliner melts into her eyes. Or maybe contract lifelong crabs in her nose.

I’m warning ya’ll… don’t even play any of her songs in front of me. Don’t even mention her name. I’d rather die listening to Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’ in 12 continuous remixes stuck in a car with A’s mom for 5 hours, and you all know how much I loathe that song.

Sometimes lesbians are just tiring… Pt 4

Before you continue reading, let me just say that everything blogged here is my personal opinion of current situations. I am in no way insinuating that EVERYONE behaves like this. If I say that I can’t stand women, it doesn’t mean I can’t stand ALL women… it just means that so far, those I have contact with personally are driving me crazy. Who knows if an unknown woman half-way across the globe would drive me crazy? So, if anyone is thinking of writing nasty comments or emails… get a life! This post is meant for entertainment and I am the last person on this planet who is into what is politically-correct or not…

However, if you are one of those people who take everything too personally and too seriously, I would suggest you stop reading right now before you get your panties into a twist.

Older/ Self-Proclaimed More Experienced Dykes VS Younger/ Think They Know More Despite Their Age Dykes

Don’t get me wrong, I love my women mature. But sometimes, they are so trying because they think they are right, just because they are older. I hate the line that says they have eaten more salt than I have drunk milk. Just because you are older or have been on the scene longer/ with more notches on their bedposts, does not make you wiser. They expect you to listen to them, and if you don’t do things their way, they get huffy about it. Not all are like that, but some of them are. They deserve a smack on the head with a toilet brush.

The ones who go around telling people how experienced they are with things also deserve a smack on the head. Cocky women can be so cute when they try to do their strut, but over-cocky women can also be obnoxious. These deserve two smacks on the head with a dirty toilet brush. But they don’t need no toilet brush if they stumble on their lies. I think embarrassment is a pretty good punishment.

I think baby dykes are fun to be around. You get to see things differently through their eyes, or relive experiences again. However, there are those whom you just want to be a mother cat around, and just smack them over the head with your paw when they are being stupid.

I do not want to have children, because children have a tendency to be like younger dykes. They argue too much over things that you know aren’t right, especially if you have been through it yourself and you know the end result. The shittiest part is knowing that they will go ahead and commit a mistake you’ve warned them about, and then they will probably just be mutinous and wilful about it. They also deserve a toilet brush smack. If I had a child, it would have a toilet brush permanently stuck in its hair.

Sometimes, and this is no fault of theirs due to youth or lack of experience, but more because I’m jaded, something that fascinates them turns a yawn on for me. It’s worse if I have to go through that whole ‘wow’ thing with them for at least 1 year. Sometimes it gets to the point where my jaw dislocates on one side by itself.

This ends my 4 part rant about why I find lesbians tiring… I’ve tired myself out now!

Sometimes lesbians are just tiring… Pt 3

Before you continue reading, let me just say that everything blogged here is my personal opinion of current situations. I am in no way insinuating that EVERYONE behaves like this. If I say that I can’t stand women, it doesn’t mean I can’t stand ALL women… it just means that so far, those I have contact with personally are driving me crazy. Who knows if an unknown woman half-way across the globe would drive me crazy? So, if anyone is thinking of writing nasty comments or emails… get a life! This post is meant for entertainment and I am the last person on this planet who is into what is politically-correct or not…

However, if you are one of those people who take everything too personally and too seriously, I would suggest you stop reading right now before you get your panties into a twist.

Dyke Friendship
It lasts as long as you have a use for each other. Dyke friendship typically lasts or maintains for as long as you are:
- single
- bored with your current lay
- the time it takes for your patience to run out with regards to the dyke drama stories
- geographically close to each other
- not dating your friend’s ex-girlfriend/ crush
- maintaining a certain amount of alcohol you have in the house (okay, I’m joking about the last point)

I’ve been friends with fellow lesbians who have disappeared off the face of the planet as soon as they find a girlfriend, only to resurface after a break-up. I’ve lesbian friends who only come over to hang out when they are approaching a bump in their relationships or suffering from pre-lesbian-bed-death* symptoms.

Then there are those who disappear from your lives because they can’t get out of bed with their girlfriends unless you promise to appear in bed with both of them. KIDDING!

On a serious note, I have dyke friends who have given reasons why they do not hang out with you even though you tell them to bring their girlfriends along:

- They think their girlfriend is so hot that all girls in the outside world would pounce on her the moment they see her (true story)
- They think you would pounce on her (true story again… and phui… don’t insult my tastes in women)
- They think their girlfriend will be judged by their friends (only if they are dating some slag)
- They think that their girlfriend is too good for their friends
- They think their friends are too good for their girlfriend (true story yet again… I feel sorry for the girlfriend)
- They are not sure they want to date this girl seriously

And the list goes on.

Also, some girls are very person-centric. Person, meaning themselves. If you have usually hung out a lot with one person, and for some valid reason (example, having new work) are unable to spend as much time with them as you did before, be prepared for petty hissy fits and pre-teen behaviour. Be prepared to get bombarded by gossip from other bum friends, text messages, phonecalls, facebook messages, left-online MSN messages etc, that so-and-so feels neglected and is getting all ‘emo’ over you not paying her enough attention. Be prepared to read 1000 ‘emo’ blog entries from self-perceived-neglected friend.

Sometimes this emotional dyke friend could also be in love with you. That’s a typical lesbian trap that happens in some platonic relationships between boys and girls. I’ve known friends who’d secretly liked their friend so much that they refuse to let them know that they do. When friends of the Emo Dyke tell her to just ‘go for it’, the Emo Dyke will refuse to, on the basis that they are ‘good as friends’ and that it would be sort of ‘incestuous’. They will even encourage other girls to hook up with their friend-crush. and And when their friend-crush really hooks up with other girls, these Emo Dykes get all pissed off about it, and rant on about friendship loyalities and whatnot.

*pre-lesbian-bed-death: A term used to describe the beginning of the end of a lesbian sex relationship. Not that sex doesn’t happen, it happens less frequently that it used to, and when it does happen, one or both of the parties seem to find the act itself so agonising that the mere fact that they go through with it at all should award them at least 10 Oscars.

To Be Continued…

Sometimes lesbians are just tiring… Pt 2

Before you continue reading, let me just say that everything blogged here is my personal opinion of current situations. I am in no way insinuating that EVERYONE behaves like this. If I say that I can’t stand women, it doesn’t mean I can’t stand ALL women… it just means that so far, those I have contact with personally are driving me crazy. Who knows if an unknown woman half-way across the globe would drive me crazy? So, if anyone is thinking of writing nasty comments or emails… get a life! This post is meant for entertainment and I am the last person on this planet who is into what is politically-correct or not…

However, if you are one of those people who take everything too personally and too seriously, I would suggest you stop reading right now before you get your panties into a twist.

The Dyke Two Degrees of Separation (which I believe is closer to One now)
It also sucks that I come from an island-country that is connected to a… country (okay, I can’t find a word for something bigger than island) by two bridges. It also sucks that a lot of people from S.E.A come to Australia for further studies,especially to Sydney. EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYONE!

During Mardi Gras, A and me saw a couple of people we both knew from Back Then. I personally find them rather unsavoury. I can’t comment for A because she’s trying to be The Most Diplomatic Person On Earth Just In Case One Day We Need Their Help. So, everyone knows everyone on an island, and it sucks ass when you walk into a club and 10 people that you wish you never slept with are standing in there. And they all happen to be dating each other.

On that note, seeing how lesbians for some reason love to fish in the same pond, it’s a good thing we can’t procreate without sperm for now. If not we’d have inbreeding and possibly shitty genes. It stinks that you could be dating your friend’s ex-girlfriend, or your ex-girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend who could also be dating one of your ex-girlfriends’ mom’s girlfriend. I’ve always had this theory that if 6 lesbians were stranded on an island, all would eventually sleep with each other. I’m not talking about in an orgy either.

To Be Continued…