Singaporean Dreaming (and complaining as usual)

I just wanted to say a quick thank you to the people who left encouraging comments on the post where I whined about how shitty I felt recently (and feels good to be meowed at, LOL..hasn’t happened for awhile)… didn’t think that anyone read this blog, not that I mind, because blogging has been a habit I’d indulged in for years eversince Cheng introduced me to Diaryland. I know A and CG and maybe some other friends who know of this blog’s existence do read now and then, but to me the readership doesn’t matter because I just like ranting. It gets boring talking to the mirror after awhile because my face makes me laugh.

Anyway, I’m glad A seems to have so many activities this month, with all the sudden ‘activist’ activities and birthdays. I do envy her to be honest. I mean it’s really cool that I’m overseas and I know many people think that it’s wonderful to get the opportunity to be in a different country. However, home to me is where my friends and loved ones are. I’m counting down to the days I can finally go down to ‘Pack and Send’ to get my stuff sea-freighted back to Singapore. I know I’ve said many times that Singapore is a kinda sickening place to live in. I have a massive love-hate relationship with it. Sometimes the country feels too small to contain what I feel (if that makes sense) and sometimes it’s everything I want. But these few years of living in Sydney has shown me that maybe I’m an islander at heart, and I do miss living in a more cosmopolitan and fast-paced city.

I know I’m a very laidback and ‘chill’ sort of person… but this place is too damn chill without friends to hang out with! Last night, my housemate’s friend from Singapore came over. I was squatting in my room as usual, half asleep because of the Choya I was downing like crazy….suddenly I heard this rude but familiar accent, and my heart was beating like crazy. Ahaha..I know, that’s so corny…

People might be wondering, aren’t there other Singaporeans there? Of course there are, but most of them are pretty young (the ones I see in uni).. and I realise that after 3 months or so most of them develop this fake-O accent. Usually it starts with an American accent which then slowly morphs into an Aussie accent. I don’t fault them for having an accent because sometimes when you talk to a local, you unconsciously start to imitate them… I do that, and my tongue gets twisted up. But I feel damn happy when I hear that ugly Singaporean drawl!! With its hodge-podge of different languages and dialects mixed in. It sounds terrible, but it’s like a piece of home. It’s like those horrendously dirty HDB void decks in Singapore back in the mid 80s… but old pictures of them make me feel happy!

I remember last year or the year before, I was out with this Singaporean friend of mine in the city. We were both sort of homesick… suddenly we  started to curse and swear in Hokkien. It’s so childish, but both of us felt better immediately. Haha.

I think life would be easier here with A around. I feel pretty lost without her here. Sydney does not seem as sunny and beautiful when she’s not around. Again, I know this is corny and mushy but it’s true. Sometimes I wish I could create a place that was a mix of Singapore and Australia. I love the wide open areas here, the neverending skies and the gadzillions of stars which can’t be seen back home. And of course the weather! I LOVE THE WEATHER! But the pace of life…wayyyy too slow…..

Ok, I gotta go bathe before I start looking like a bum who lives in her pjs. I will get my ass out of the house today… maybe go to the beach and dog park.

I miss you A and Crappy Girl! oh..and the dog… I miss Cochoo and her sulky face…

Okay, decided to come back and continue this post. It started to rain when I popped out to buy cigarettes, and therefore my plans to go to the beach is foiled. The housemate and his friends were over again…he didn’t ask me to join them… hmm… I thought he would out of politeness since I’ve always asked him out with mine. Doesn’t matter, I don’t really care…

HUGE BOUT OF WHINGING AND COMPLAINING following this.. (don’t bother to read because it’s always about the same shit but I feel better after letting it out). Like seriously… don’t bother.

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Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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Too late.

But one thing I can’t stand is that he doesn’t clean up, and he took forever to fix the toilet (like a week or 2). I was wondering if we were going to be manually flushing the toilet for the rest of my stay. Manually meaning we have to lift the lid of the cistern, put our hands into the icy cold WC water and pull this plastic lever up to flush (the flush broke).

Yesterday, he finally went down to the agency to get people to come back to fix the loo because his friends were coming over?!! WTF. And he left his laundry out in the living room for 3 weeks. I just did a load yesterday and hung it out to dry. Then today because his friends were coming over again he actually kept his laundry and shoved mine to one side? WTF again… and finally bothered to do his dishes…

Dunno la, may seem like I have loads of time on my hands that’s why I’m complaining. But the thing is I don’t usually say anything about the cleanliness to him because I’m just whatever about his lifestyle and habits. However, when he does clean up, he makes a big deal out of it, like waking me up to tell me he cleaned the floor?! WTF….oh and that was about 2 months ago when he claimed to have cleaned the floor. Usually I just get passive agressive about it, like washing up my dishes and leaving his dirty plates to grow mould and rot. I never used to be like that, but recently I’m getting fedup because the water is cold, and my hands are getting severely chapped from constantly doing the dishes. And he doesn’t empty the rubbish bin even though he goes to the garage (where all the dustbins are) every morning. So usually I’m the one doing it. It doesn’t help that when he’s too lazy to even cook noodles, he pops open this Japanese fermented tofu thing and just eats it out of the container. After that, he just leaves the container lying around in the living room for a few days, or just throws it into the dustbin and doesn’t chuck it out in the bins. That tofu thing is shit smelly like what your feet would smell like after wearing 12 hours of wet socks. Our laundry is hung in the house usually since there’s no space, so all our freshly-washed clothes smell like wet feet. I’d rather my clothes smell of stale cigarette smoke la!

The stupidest stupidest thing is, I know he’s going through a lot at the moment, what with having to deal with his retrenchment this coming end of June, having to find a housemate since I’m leaving, finding ways of meeting his car payments… I was really sympathetic about it, however he started to get all depressed. All he could do was complain about those people he submitted CVs to who did not ask him to go in for interviews. And actually, he only submitted like ONE CV. Like ONE company and he had to complain… some people submit like 100 resumes just to get maybe 1 interview. Jeez. That company happened to be an overseas subsidiary of the Sydney HQ, located in Singapore. So after he did not get the interview he complained like hell about how arrogant Singaporean employers are.

I’m not terribly patrotic about my country, but to hear him go on and on about Singaporeans just because that one manager did not want to interview him…sigh…

I started to avoid him like mad, partly because he was getting downright depressing to be around and partly because I am PMSey. I avoided going out for dinner with him, because it meant being stuck in a car alone. He’s so predictable…he would start the car, fiddle around with the manual gear, give a huge sigh, and start saying ” WHY? Why ah…these Singaporean people sooo arrogant…yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah…”

I tried to entertain him at first, then it got annoying. The night we went out for Pancakes on the Rocks was because I was just too hungry for something sweet. I sort of regretted it because I was trying hard not to snap at him. As usual, he moaned and sighed…so I said, why are you so negative la!! (trying to make it sound like I was joking with him)…then he went into this long spiel about arrogant Singaporean employers and how he’s qualified but he doesn’t have certification for the level of work he wanted to do…and kept asking me why Singaporeans are so concerned about that piece of paper..that they are short-sighted and blah blah blah. Yes I know the system has it’s flaws, so instead of complaining about it, just do something instead of flopping into bed at 6pm everyday, sleeping till 10pm, then pulling a long face when you realise I’ve eaten dinner already and you have no one to accompany you.

AIYOH!! Wo De Tien AH! (direct translation: MY SKY!! Meaning: Oh my God!)

I tried to simplify his problems for him, since he was whining about how many problems he had to deal with. I said, most of the problems are caused by the stop of cashflow in June (actually worry what?? he has savings and since he’s an Aus PR, got CENTRELINK WOT! Government give money leh..). So he should just start sending out resumes to employers in Sydney. Since he’d always boasted to me that everyone who’s worked in his company is headhunted by other major companies, and that he would have no shortage of work, then he shouldn’t be all that worried right? On the other hand, he claims that another branch of the company overseas (not Singapore) is willing to hire him and if they offer him a equivalent pay, he would go. However, he does not like that country and has told me countless times how he doesn’t want to go. But now, since he is too lazy to send out a resume… I don’t know, I feel that he just lets other people and circumstances dictate his life.

I also feel sorry for him but sorry because he’s so pathetic. Recently we keep bumping into his ex-uni friends who were in the same class as him 10 years ago (including this Singaporean friend who was here last night). All of them exclaim the same thing when they realise where he’s staying… like hello..u graduate so long already you still living in your student house with the student furniture (that other friends who leave the country pass on to you,,IKEA AS-IS furniture?!) la…alamak..move on with life already la… I would understand if this place was average to above average, but this house is the shits for a 30 plus year old man who earns a decent living. Somemore can wonder why he doesn’t have a girlfriend..somemore want a Singaporean girlfriend…kidding me… I’m not saying that all SG girls are materialistic..but even the least materialistic amongst us would reject living like that.

Okay, I feel better now. These are all the things that are running through my mind for weeks, months…even years… and I’ve never told him. Well except once when I had it with him asking me why girls didn’t want to go out with him, I told him he was too wimpy.

He’s not a bad person despite all my complaints, he’s just very very lam nuah (like super lazy), and complains too much about things he could change, but in reality wouldn’t lift a finger to.

The sun does shine out of my ass

Well, I’m feeling much better today, a good night’s sleep seems to be one of the answers towards the restoration of faith in human beings. Spent most of the day reading this one makeup blog, and strangely enough, this blogger’s random post on Proposition 8 has also helped to bring back some of my faith in humankind. It is nice to know that not all heterosexuals out there want us dead.

It’s also Mother’s Day, so I made a long distance call home. I caught my mom just as she was finishing up lunch with my dad. It’s nice to know that they can get on with life without me. I do feel guilty but there’s nothing much I can do about it. Actually, it would be hypocritical of me to say that I feel guilty, since I’ve never really cared much about giving gifts and remembering birthdays.

What else… hmm…. I went out for dinner with my housemate, the Personal Chef. I was just craving for sweet stuff, and so we headed to Pancakes on the Rocks. I don’t really think the pancakes are that great, but I love the stuff that comes with it, like the fruit, creams, butterscotch, chocolate etc. I ate a ton of food to make up for feeling upset. Seriously, why should I continue feeling upset? Well, I’m not anymore. I’m good, really. I used a great makeup brush, and I finally know how to use it properly, I’m re-reading Catch-22 which I love to death, I’ve finally finished its sequel, Closing Time and  my best friend’s home to accompany A which makes me feel happy… I AM HAPPY!

Oh yes, and for my annual community service… please watch YouTube video… and if you happen to be in that area, do go in something pink! I know A will go in fushia pink. Wish I could be there with her as well.

Oh, and just because I love this song, it makes me happy…and the boys with the popsicles are SO CUTE…

Right, I’m off to do something intellectual right now… like play Indiana Jones (Lego) on Wii.

Oh I forgot to mention, I left my window open last night and it rained in. Today my room was infested by sow bugs. They do make me feel like I’m living in prehistoric times…

What did I ever do to you? (Part 2)

I’ve just realised that the grammar and vocabulary from my previous entry, and probably this entry, is crap. Usually that happens when I’m upset… and I’m not going to apologise for it.

 So I was talking about how I’m saddened and disgusted by a series of homophobic events, and was mentioning the AWARE saga and CSE programme.

The next thing that saddened me would be my classmate that I like. I hate how I have to clarify what I mean about liking her. Can’t I just like a person without any sexual connotations or any other underlying meaning? In my whole team for my final business project, I like her the best because she’s funny, down-to-earth, and since she’s from Malaysia, I feel like she’s someone close to home. I’ve always trusted her because so far she’s done whatever she promised to do for the project, and more. So I don’t feel all that worried that we’re not on track.

However, recently, this very minor incident happened… and I’m ashamed to say that at this day and age, with this much experience and given so many faculties to deal with certain situations, I did not stand up for myself and what I believed in. I felt that I just wanted to maintain peace in the group and finish up the project and get on with my life. I just wanted to balek kampung…

She and another classmate were just chatting in class, talking about her son, their husbands and boyfriends..all that stuff…and I wasn’t really paying attention since I was busy doodling in my notepad. Suddenly I heard them talking about her friend being gay (back home in Malaysia). I sort of looked up, and I could just see the two of them looking ever-so disgusted. Then they started talking about lesbians and having girls who crushed on them in school… and they were talking about how gross lesbians were… I just started to feel gross and rather pukey. For a moment I thought I was going to throw up on their heads. Really upsetting…and how presumptous to assume that everyone around them were straight… and in Sydney of all places!

Talking about girls crushing on each other in school. I really beg to differ on that whole thing about how girls-only schools breed lesbians. Most of my exs came from mixed schools (and probably it was the boys that turned them off males for good..joke joke..)… and back when I was in an all-girl’s school, I’d never crushed on anyone. Funnily enough, the girls who are married and breeding right now were the same ones, when they were 14, standing next to me in the assembly field, talking about how ‘cool’ the senior assigned to lead the Singapore Workout was..and lying in wait for her to pass her notes during recess…and getting upset and teary when they realised that she had other ‘favourites’.

Pathetic..the stories that straight people spin to assure themselves that they are the normal ones.

Anyway, after that day, I did not talk to my classmate about anything else except the project. She was making small talk after class and I remember feeling as if I was going to burst from containing this fireball of anger in me. I told her I had to rush off, and I did, before anything I would regret saying later on came tumbling out of my mouth. I should have said something, but honestly, it’s no longer important to me how these people feel. It’s just so sad how small certain people’s worlds are. They are like the proverbial frog in the well, or the tortoise stuck on the mountain.

Kevin Rudd ending gay civil marriage. Well that sort of speaks for itself doesn’t it? And of course I’m upset… I know I will never have one of those big ass Chinese-Western weddings with like 5 gown changes during one dinner with a 100 table reservation. But it was nice to know that I could have had the option of taking it one step further with my gf and getting involved in her life legally. It would have taken away the hassle of many things like insurance, hospital visitation rights, housing grants and so on. It would have taken away the possibility of me dying old and alone like Vanessa Redgrave in If These Walls Could Talk 2, and getting chased out of a house I could possibly have paid half the mortgage to, by some random next of kin that didn’t give a shit about her when she was alive. Now I am scared enough to trap my gf in the house till she dies. Because if she dies in hospital, the hospital staff won’t let me see her or even tell me she’s dead. Seems like I’m trying to escape from one homophobic country to another increasingly homophobic one. You see? The whole world does hate me and want me dead… I don’t even know where I could go where no one hates me…

Makeup-centered blogs have also upset me… all these stupid girls talk about are their boyfriends and getting married. Where are the hot lesbians who love putting shit all over their face?!! I would so love to meet these other makeup-crazy lesbians, invade one of those makeup forums…just to prove that we aren’t a bunch of wommins (LOL) who don’t groom themselves and wear nothing but flannel…(incidentally flannel seems to be the current fashion trend here? EUWW…talk about BOGAN!)  I even got slightly happy when ONE girl cut her hair, just to show everyone else that short hair can be hot! I mean, these girls… they make chopping off their locks sound like the end of the world. The stupidest comment was: If I cut my hair, I would look like a lesbian.

Ok, I won’t even bother to comment on the stupidity of that statement. They don’t even realise how much younger and fresher they actually look without all that hair covering their features.

 

Lastly, British Next Top Model Cycle 5…specifically episode 3. It upset me to the point that I didn’t bother watching the other episodes despite having absolutely nothing to do on this cold Saturday night. I admit it, I love watching Top Model. I love watching how bitchy and catty girls can be…especially these western girls. I’m not saying that asians are less bitchy or catty, but it seems that culture dictates that we not be as abrasive and confrontational…and some of the things they fight about are really trivial and silly.

Today, BNTM upset me because it was so homophobic… In episode 3, the girls are told to do a photoshoot where they have to pretend to exchange lesbian kisses. Firstly, I don’t see the point in ACTUALLY doing a real kiss…it’s a photograph and they could fake it. Secondly, the kissing thing was pointless since none of the photos shown were of any mouth-to-mouth kissing. It was definitely to get viewer ratings up. Anyway, it was not the fake-O lesbian shoot that upset me, it was the girls’ reactions when they were told they had to do it.

Everyone was getting squeamish and talking about how disgusting it was  and all that…man..it’s just a fucking shoot…most of them have had a woman’s TIT in their mouth for close to a year everyday, several times a day…whatever happened to viewer sensitivity?! And fuck, it’s just a JOB…just do it already…I know this kinda shit would not have gone down well if it was America’s Next Top Model. Even though that show is getting crappier season by season, at least Tyra Banks would have said something about it, seeing how some of the judges are gay. In fact, I remember her talking about it before, about how many of the people the models had to work with in the industry were gay, and that the girls should be more sensitive.

Well in BNTM, Lisa Snowden did not say a single thing…even though one of her judges was obviously gay. I mean, I expected her to at least talk about it quickly during  judging, but no..she was  just yapping about how everyone looked gorgeous… Those girls just ranted on and on about how lesbian it was…and the most insulting thing was when the photographer kept asking the girls to put their hands on each others’ tits and to squeeze…WTF?

NEVER WATCHING BNTM again…even if I love the makeup and hair…

Now you see why I’m sad? It’s been one homophobic event after another since 9 am this morning!

That’s too much for one little lesbian like me to handle. Where’s my BABY WHEN I NEED HER?!

Right..stuck in homophobic Singapore doing work for homophobic people…

I am cancelling my DBS card even if it proves that me and A have an exisiting financial relationship. DBS because it supports homophobic organisations.. and I’m even going to withdraw all my savings and put it with UOB! Also, can’t women be financially independent? Why must I prove that I’m living off her just so that I can apply for an Aus PR?!! I HAVE MY OWN MONEY OKAY!!

Dammit. Goodnight all.

What did I ever do to you? (Part 1)

I’ve been feeling rather sad lately. Sad, but not depressed. I’m still eating, probably more now that winter is here. Seems that my body just craves food whenever it’s cold.
Anyway, so I was saying… sad… all because I’m gay.

It’s crazy really, I’ve never been sad or upset because I’m gay. Well, maybe just a little when I think about my parents’ reactions to me being lesbian. Once in awhile I read about something in the newspapers back home that’s utterly homophobic, and I feel sad. But being really sad and bothered about it, well that’s pretty rare for me.

The day I acknowledged my sexual identity was just like any other day. It was like the day I had my period for the first time. You read those Judy Blume books about how girls having their menstruation for the first time was like such a big deal…when the time came, I just took a look at my panties, said “Oh.”, and then went to look for a pad. And that was that. And that was how it was for me when I realised and accepted that I was gay. What’s the big deal? I still had to wake up the next morning and brush my teeth, go to school, do my homework, and all that crap that I always had to do…like everyone else on the planet.

Maybe recently I’ve just got bombarded by the media about too many things that are related to homophobia, and it’s all sort of come crashing down. It makes me feel like most of the people in this world either want me dead or want me half-dead. I used to love people, because I felt that everyone had something, at least one thing good in them even if they were criminals. But recently, I just feel that I hate people, that straight people especially, disgusted me. I even feel repulsed by my housemate and how he’s forever talking about girls in that kind of way. I mean, I do that sometimes, but coming from a guy’s mouth, it’s just gross. I know, double standards, but while I’m in this mood of disgust and hate, it would really serve him well to not talk to me at all and to keep out of my way.

So what caused me to feel so sad and angry and disgusted recently? I guess it would be these things:

-The AWARE saga
-My classmate that I like (as in she’s the most hardworking and responsible in the group, and therefore I trust and like her)
-Kevin Rudd ends gay civil marriage
-Makeup-centered blogs
-British’s Next Top Model Cycle 5

AWARE saga
I’ve never really been a very political or activistic sort of person. I would say it’s more because I hate confrontation rather than because I’m peace-loving. The only time you would see me being confrontational was if someone insulted my family, my girlfriend or abused animals. So when this whole AWARE saga started, I didn’t really care much about it till A told me she was going for the vote-of-no-confidence meeting. I remember even telling her that if I was in Singapore, I wouldn’t bother to go unless she really wanted me to. I know and understand that the AWARE saga was not about homosexuality, more about a bunch of people from the same religion trying to take over an organisation…to what means, I didn’t really care.

Anyway, because of A’s interest in it, I started to read up online websites and newsites, blogs, forums, twitter, Facebook and what not on the saga. Along the way, the amount of homophobic and anti-gay comments really turned me off. I guess I’ve always been one for flight rather than fight, and reading such horrible stuff really made me want to run up the nearest mountain and stay there forever.

The thought that kept popping into my mind each time I read something negative about being gay was: What did I ever do to these people? The more about read about how they came from the same church and were Christians, the more upset I got about it. I encourage my gf to go to Church, because I believe that everyone needs to have some form of faith to get through life, and I believe that some of the teachings in the Bible do make sense and can be translated into use for everyday life. I’m not a Christian, but I’m never really hesitant about accompanying her to church, and truth be told, I secretly enjoy listening to the stories and whatever it is that the pastor happens to be preaching about that day. I only feel a bit awkward when they have to sing hymns and eat that host thing..sorry the term for it eludes me at the moment. To be honest, if I ever had any thoughts of converting my religion, thanks to this whole stupid AWARE affair, I don’t think it will ever happen, and in fact, I feel that it’s going to take awhile for me to accompany A to church. I just can’t sit in a place of worship that condemns who I am to such a degree, it seems that some of its worshippers have built a religion centered on extinguishing who I am. I often think about how these so called “trying to do their civic duty to the country and save their children from immorality” Christians would feel if they were in my shoes. They think that because I’m gay, I’m a sinner, and therefore probably associate my sin with something that’s from the devil. Well, from where I’m standing, I’m feeling exactly the same thing about them. It’s like I’m living peacefully in a nice little cabin by the lake and these devil-worshippers come riding in with stakes and pitchforks because they think they are doing God’s work. How’d they know that whatever they think is right is not put there in their head by the devil?

LOL. Anyway, I don’t want to go into the whole religion thing. It’s something that’s very vague between me and A, and of course she’s the expert with her religion… I don’t want to talk about her religion while not really knowing much about it. It’s just that people find it easy to condemn others, and that’s only because they are not in the opposite party’s position. The day Josie Lau and gang got booed and shooed off the stage after losing the vote, I was totally elated because finally…finally they get to feel how it is to be hated… for no reason (probably they feel for no reason). They say they are doing good, but how does it feel to be hated for doing something you believe is good or harmless?

The CSE education programme run by AWARE, and being stopped by the government for scrutiny… now this really hurt me a lot. I read forums about how Singaporeans felt about the CSE programme. Many of them were parents. There were comments supporting it, and there were comments against it. Everytime I read comments by parents who said they were against it because CSE was turning their children into lesbians and encouraging anal sex and all that shit…. I was upset. It felt like it was my own parents criticising me. My parents’ face would float into my head and I could just see the looks of disgust on them…

I honestly believe in the CSE programme. If one day, I were to ever decide to have children, I want them to know everything there is to know. I’d rather they know it from my mouth and from school, than find out themselves. I’d even tell them about bestality and necrophilia if I have to. I’d rather they find out from me, than from the internet or some unreliable source. I’ve done my own research in my teens…and all I can say is, thank goodness I’m a very stubborn person and thank goodness I have an old mind in my head at that tender age.

And AWARE is very very right to even include that tiny segment on homosexuality. Back then, if they had the CSE, and just talked about heterosexual people, I would have switched off my attention immediately. I do it all the time anyway, especially when my classmates start talking about their boyfriends and husbands and children. My mind is floating on a big white bed stealing kisses with A and pressing my lips to her eyelids. And if the CSE even mentions safe homosexual sex one day… if they had done it years ago, I would have learnt that putting my mouth to some stranger’s coochie might not be a good idea if I didn’t know their sexual history…. thank goodness I’m as disease-free and clean-looking as virgin snow. *snort*

to be continued