I’ve been feeling rather sad lately. Sad, but not depressed. I’m still eating, probably more now that winter is here. Seems that my body just craves food whenever it’s cold.
Anyway, so I was saying… sad… all because I’m gay.
It’s crazy really, I’ve never been sad or upset because I’m gay. Well, maybe just a little when I think about my parents’ reactions to me being lesbian. Once in awhile I read about something in the newspapers back home that’s utterly homophobic, and I feel sad. But being really sad and bothered about it, well that’s pretty rare for me.
The day I acknowledged my sexual identity was just like any other day. It was like the day I had my period for the first time. You read those Judy Blume books about how girls having their menstruation for the first time was like such a big deal…when the time came, I just took a look at my panties, said “Oh.”, and then went to look for a pad. And that was that. And that was how it was for me when I realised and accepted that I was gay. What’s the big deal? I still had to wake up the next morning and brush my teeth, go to school, do my homework, and all that crap that I always had to do…like everyone else on the planet.
Maybe recently I’ve just got bombarded by the media about too many things that are related to homophobia, and it’s all sort of come crashing down. It makes me feel like most of the people in this world either want me dead or want me half-dead. I used to love people, because I felt that everyone had something, at least one thing good in them even if they were criminals. But recently, I just feel that I hate people, that straight people especially, disgusted me. I even feel repulsed by my housemate and how he’s forever talking about girls in that kind of way. I mean, I do that sometimes, but coming from a guy’s mouth, it’s just gross. I know, double standards, but while I’m in this mood of disgust and hate, it would really serve him well to not talk to me at all and to keep out of my way.
So what caused me to feel so sad and angry and disgusted recently? I guess it would be these things:
-The AWARE saga
-My classmate that I like (as in she’s the most hardworking and responsible in the group, and therefore I trust and like her)
-Kevin Rudd ends gay civil marriage
-Makeup-centered blogs
-British’s Next Top Model Cycle 5
AWARE saga
I’ve never really been a very political or activistic sort of person. I would say it’s more because I hate confrontation rather than because I’m peace-loving. The only time you would see me being confrontational was if someone insulted my family, my girlfriend or abused animals. So when this whole AWARE saga started, I didn’t really care much about it till A told me she was going for the vote-of-no-confidence meeting. I remember even telling her that if I was in Singapore, I wouldn’t bother to go unless she really wanted me to. I know and understand that the AWARE saga was not about homosexuality, more about a bunch of people from the same religion trying to take over an organisation…to what means, I didn’t really care.
Anyway, because of A’s interest in it, I started to read up online websites and newsites, blogs, forums, twitter, Facebook and what not on the saga. Along the way, the amount of homophobic and anti-gay comments really turned me off. I guess I’ve always been one for flight rather than fight, and reading such horrible stuff really made me want to run up the nearest mountain and stay there forever.
The thought that kept popping into my mind each time I read something negative about being gay was: What did I ever do to these people? The more about read about how they came from the same church and were Christians, the more upset I got about it. I encourage my gf to go to Church, because I believe that everyone needs to have some form of faith to get through life, and I believe that some of the teachings in the Bible do make sense and can be translated into use for everyday life. I’m not a Christian, but I’m never really hesitant about accompanying her to church, and truth be told, I secretly enjoy listening to the stories and whatever it is that the pastor happens to be preaching about that day. I only feel a bit awkward when they have to sing hymns and eat that host thing..sorry the term for it eludes me at the moment. To be honest, if I ever had any thoughts of converting my religion, thanks to this whole stupid AWARE affair, I don’t think it will ever happen, and in fact, I feel that it’s going to take awhile for me to accompany A to church. I just can’t sit in a place of worship that condemns who I am to such a degree, it seems that some of its worshippers have built a religion centered on extinguishing who I am. I often think about how these so called “trying to do their civic duty to the country and save their children from immorality” Christians would feel if they were in my shoes. They think that because I’m gay, I’m a sinner, and therefore probably associate my sin with something that’s from the devil. Well, from where I’m standing, I’m feeling exactly the same thing about them. It’s like I’m living peacefully in a nice little cabin by the lake and these devil-worshippers come riding in with stakes and pitchforks because they think they are doing God’s work. How’d they know that whatever they think is right is not put there in their head by the devil?
LOL. Anyway, I don’t want to go into the whole religion thing. It’s something that’s very vague between me and A, and of course she’s the expert with her religion… I don’t want to talk about her religion while not really knowing much about it. It’s just that people find it easy to condemn others, and that’s only because they are not in the opposite party’s position. The day Josie Lau and gang got booed and shooed off the stage after losing the vote, I was totally elated because finally…finally they get to feel how it is to be hated… for no reason (probably they feel for no reason). They say they are doing good, but how does it feel to be hated for doing something you believe is good or harmless?
The CSE education programme run by AWARE, and being stopped by the government for scrutiny… now this really hurt me a lot. I read forums about how Singaporeans felt about the CSE programme. Many of them were parents. There were comments supporting it, and there were comments against it. Everytime I read comments by parents who said they were against it because CSE was turning their children into lesbians and encouraging anal sex and all that shit…. I was upset. It felt like it was my own parents criticising me. My parents’ face would float into my head and I could just see the looks of disgust on them…
I honestly believe in the CSE programme. If one day, I were to ever decide to have children, I want them to know everything there is to know. I’d rather they know it from my mouth and from school, than find out themselves. I’d even tell them about bestality and necrophilia if I have to. I’d rather they find out from me, than from the internet or some unreliable source. I’ve done my own research in my teens…and all I can say is, thank goodness I’m a very stubborn person and thank goodness I have an old mind in my head at that tender age.
And AWARE is very very right to even include that tiny segment on homosexuality. Back then, if they had the CSE, and just talked about heterosexual people, I would have switched off my attention immediately. I do it all the time anyway, especially when my classmates start talking about their boyfriends and husbands and children. My mind is floating on a big white bed stealing kisses with A and pressing my lips to her eyelids. And if the CSE even mentions safe homosexual sex one day… if they had done it years ago, I would have learnt that putting my mouth to some stranger’s coochie might not be a good idea if I didn’t know their sexual history…. thank goodness I’m as disease-free and clean-looking as virgin snow. *snort*
to be continued
