What did I ever do to you? (Part 2)

I’ve just realised that the grammar and vocabulary from my previous entry, and probably this entry, is crap. Usually that happens when I’m upset… and I’m not going to apologise for it.

 So I was talking about how I’m saddened and disgusted by a series of homophobic events, and was mentioning the AWARE saga and CSE programme.

The next thing that saddened me would be my classmate that I like. I hate how I have to clarify what I mean about liking her. Can’t I just like a person without any sexual connotations or any other underlying meaning? In my whole team for my final business project, I like her the best because she’s funny, down-to-earth, and since she’s from Malaysia, I feel like she’s someone close to home. I’ve always trusted her because so far she’s done whatever she promised to do for the project, and more. So I don’t feel all that worried that we’re not on track.

However, recently, this very minor incident happened… and I’m ashamed to say that at this day and age, with this much experience and given so many faculties to deal with certain situations, I did not stand up for myself and what I believed in. I felt that I just wanted to maintain peace in the group and finish up the project and get on with my life. I just wanted to balek kampung…

She and another classmate were just chatting in class, talking about her son, their husbands and boyfriends..all that stuff…and I wasn’t really paying attention since I was busy doodling in my notepad. Suddenly I heard them talking about her friend being gay (back home in Malaysia). I sort of looked up, and I could just see the two of them looking ever-so disgusted. Then they started talking about lesbians and having girls who crushed on them in school… and they were talking about how gross lesbians were… I just started to feel gross and rather pukey. For a moment I thought I was going to throw up on their heads. Really upsetting…and how presumptous to assume that everyone around them were straight… and in Sydney of all places!

Talking about girls crushing on each other in school. I really beg to differ on that whole thing about how girls-only schools breed lesbians. Most of my exs came from mixed schools (and probably it was the boys that turned them off males for good..joke joke..)… and back when I was in an all-girl’s school, I’d never crushed on anyone. Funnily enough, the girls who are married and breeding right now were the same ones, when they were 14, standing next to me in the assembly field, talking about how ‘cool’ the senior assigned to lead the Singapore Workout was..and lying in wait for her to pass her notes during recess…and getting upset and teary when they realised that she had other ‘favourites’.

Pathetic..the stories that straight people spin to assure themselves that they are the normal ones.

Anyway, after that day, I did not talk to my classmate about anything else except the project. She was making small talk after class and I remember feeling as if I was going to burst from containing this fireball of anger in me. I told her I had to rush off, and I did, before anything I would regret saying later on came tumbling out of my mouth. I should have said something, but honestly, it’s no longer important to me how these people feel. It’s just so sad how small certain people’s worlds are. They are like the proverbial frog in the well, or the tortoise stuck on the mountain.

Kevin Rudd ending gay civil marriage. Well that sort of speaks for itself doesn’t it? And of course I’m upset… I know I will never have one of those big ass Chinese-Western weddings with like 5 gown changes during one dinner with a 100 table reservation. But it was nice to know that I could have had the option of taking it one step further with my gf and getting involved in her life legally. It would have taken away the hassle of many things like insurance, hospital visitation rights, housing grants and so on. It would have taken away the possibility of me dying old and alone like Vanessa Redgrave in If These Walls Could Talk 2, and getting chased out of a house I could possibly have paid half the mortgage to, by some random next of kin that didn’t give a shit about her when she was alive. Now I am scared enough to trap my gf in the house till she dies. Because if she dies in hospital, the hospital staff won’t let me see her or even tell me she’s dead. Seems like I’m trying to escape from one homophobic country to another increasingly homophobic one. You see? The whole world does hate me and want me dead… I don’t even know where I could go where no one hates me…

Makeup-centered blogs have also upset me… all these stupid girls talk about are their boyfriends and getting married. Where are the hot lesbians who love putting shit all over their face?!! I would so love to meet these other makeup-crazy lesbians, invade one of those makeup forums…just to prove that we aren’t a bunch of wommins (LOL) who don’t groom themselves and wear nothing but flannel…(incidentally flannel seems to be the current fashion trend here? EUWW…talk about BOGAN!)  I even got slightly happy when ONE girl cut her hair, just to show everyone else that short hair can be hot! I mean, these girls… they make chopping off their locks sound like the end of the world. The stupidest comment was: If I cut my hair, I would look like a lesbian.

Ok, I won’t even bother to comment on the stupidity of that statement. They don’t even realise how much younger and fresher they actually look without all that hair covering their features.

 

Lastly, British Next Top Model Cycle 5…specifically episode 3. It upset me to the point that I didn’t bother watching the other episodes despite having absolutely nothing to do on this cold Saturday night. I admit it, I love watching Top Model. I love watching how bitchy and catty girls can be…especially these western girls. I’m not saying that asians are less bitchy or catty, but it seems that culture dictates that we not be as abrasive and confrontational…and some of the things they fight about are really trivial and silly.

Today, BNTM upset me because it was so homophobic… In episode 3, the girls are told to do a photoshoot where they have to pretend to exchange lesbian kisses. Firstly, I don’t see the point in ACTUALLY doing a real kiss…it’s a photograph and they could fake it. Secondly, the kissing thing was pointless since none of the photos shown were of any mouth-to-mouth kissing. It was definitely to get viewer ratings up. Anyway, it was not the fake-O lesbian shoot that upset me, it was the girls’ reactions when they were told they had to do it.

Everyone was getting squeamish and talking about how disgusting it was  and all that…man..it’s just a fucking shoot…most of them have had a woman’s TIT in their mouth for close to a year everyday, several times a day…whatever happened to viewer sensitivity?! And fuck, it’s just a JOB…just do it already…I know this kinda shit would not have gone down well if it was America’s Next Top Model. Even though that show is getting crappier season by season, at least Tyra Banks would have said something about it, seeing how some of the judges are gay. In fact, I remember her talking about it before, about how many of the people the models had to work with in the industry were gay, and that the girls should be more sensitive.

Well in BNTM, Lisa Snowden did not say a single thing…even though one of her judges was obviously gay. I mean, I expected her to at least talk about it quickly during  judging, but no..she was  just yapping about how everyone looked gorgeous… Those girls just ranted on and on about how lesbian it was…and the most insulting thing was when the photographer kept asking the girls to put their hands on each others’ tits and to squeeze…WTF?

NEVER WATCHING BNTM again…even if I love the makeup and hair…

Now you see why I’m sad? It’s been one homophobic event after another since 9 am this morning!

That’s too much for one little lesbian like me to handle. Where’s my BABY WHEN I NEED HER?!

Right..stuck in homophobic Singapore doing work for homophobic people…

I am cancelling my DBS card even if it proves that me and A have an exisiting financial relationship. DBS because it supports homophobic organisations.. and I’m even going to withdraw all my savings and put it with UOB! Also, can’t women be financially independent? Why must I prove that I’m living off her just so that I can apply for an Aus PR?!! I HAVE MY OWN MONEY OKAY!!

Dammit. Goodnight all.